


The Three Body Problem

by featured_enigma



Category: Breaking Bad, Justified, The Sopranos
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Multiple Crossovers, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:02:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23019004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/featured_enigma/pseuds/featured_enigma
Summary: Co-opted into a brazen prison escape, meth kingpin, Walter 'Heisenberg' White, forms a reluctant alliance with a fellow inmate trying desperately to reunite with family, a decision that will set them both into the clenched fist of the Jersey Mafia, and it's infamous figurehead, Anthony 'Tony' Soprano, subsequently raising the alarm on a particularly trigger happy cowboy Marshal named Raylan Givens.
Kudos: 3





	The Three Body Problem


                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
              INT. DEA OFFICES - DAY                                           
                                                                               
                                  GOMEZ                                        
                        Hank...                                                
                                                                               
              Steve Gomez holds up his desk phone.                             
                                                                               
                                  GOMEZ                                        
                        I don’t know why the hell they put                     
                        your boyfriends through on my line.                    
                        You got a call from some name...                       
                                                                               
              He looks at a note in his other hand.                            
                                                                               
                                  GOMEZ (cont’d)                               
                        Raylan? Didn’t catch his last name,                    
                        when I asked him to repeat it, he                      
                        just said "How many Raylans do you                     
                        think the man knows?"... Like an                       
                        asshole.                                               
                                                                               
              Hank cackles giddily as he makes his way toward his own          
              desk.                                                            
                                                                               
                                   HANK                                        
                        Yeah, yeah, I’ll take it over here.                    
                                                                               
              Steve Gomez obliges the call transfer. Hank picks up the         
              phone as the light turns red, before it can even ring.           
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Hey, hey crackshot, what’s up?                         
                        How’s Art?                                             
                                                                               
                                                                               
              INTERCUT WITH                                                    
                                                                               
                                                                               
              INT. MARSHALS’ OFFICE - DAY                                      
                                                                               
              Raylan, hat to his side is sitting on a desk sifting through     
              papers as he speaks.                                             
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Oh no, I’m not workin’ Glynco                          
                        anymore, I’m a Marshal in Florida                      
                        at present, haven’t spoken to Art                      
                        in years.                                              
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Oh yeah, yeah, what’ve you got                         
                        goin’ on in the ah.. world of the                      
                        Marshal’s service, down there,                         
                        trackin’ any big fish?                                 
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
    
    
                                                                      2.       
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
              Raylan pick ups a photo and examines it.                         
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Mhm, not really. Just this lowlife                     
                        I’m tryn’ta deal with. Not                             
                        technically a fugitive mind you                        
                        but, the guy’s like a genital wart.                    
                        Unwanted, shows up out of the blue,                    
                        when you least expect it... Pain in                    
                        my ass...                                              
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        You would know.                                        
                                                                               
              Raylan drops the photo.                                          
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Sure. Anyhow, how’s your girl,                         
                        what’s her name?                                       
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Marie. Yeah, you’re a little late                      
                        on that one bud: we uh.. got                           
                        married.                                               
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Well congratulations.                                  
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Long time ago. -- Had a bunch of                       
                        birthdays in there too.                                
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Happy belated birthdays then.                          
                        You’re not gonna tell me you got a                     
                        bunch of kids runnin’ around er                        
                        nothin’?                                               
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        No. No. Nothin’ like that. Hey,                        
                        I’ll tell you what I do got though!                    
                        Schraderbrau!                                          
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        I don’t follow.                                        
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Beer, man. ’Member, I said I was                       
                        thinking of brewin’ my own batch? I                    
                        did it! I’ll FedEx you a six pack,                     
                        how’s that!?                                           
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
    
    
                                                                      3.       
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        I’ll look forward to it...                             
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        How ’bout you, hoss, pumpin’ out                       
                        any love children there pretty boy?                    
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Lord, I hope not. Haven’t had a                        
                        stable relationship since Winona.                      
                        Think a kid now would just scare                       
                        the crap outta me.                                     
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                             (softer touch)                                    
                        Oh so you and Winona broke it off                      
                        then, huh? That’s too bad, man. I’m                    
                        sorry to hear that, truly, I really                    
                        liked her.                                             
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Yeah. Sorry. Guess I haven’t kept                      
                        you apprised of everything. It’s                       
                        not as bad as it sounds. You could                     
                        call it a mutual separation...                         
                        maybe -- probably not. She’s in                        
                        another state. We’re divorced. --                      
                        You know what, it’s fine. I’m fine.                    
                        That was a long time ago. I just                       
                        called to see how you were doin’.                      
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        I’m good. Good. Well it was good                       
                        talkin to ya... if there’s nothin’                     
                        else...?                                               
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Yeah... I heard through the                            
                        grapevine that you... got your                         
                        first...                                               
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        My first? Oh yeah the um....my                         
                        first, yeah... huh...                                  
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        So... How’s it feel?                                   
                                                                               
              Raylan’s ask is a bit forced, like it’s out of a sense of        
              obligation more than anything.                                   
                                                                               
              On the other end the question fills Hank with an                 
              indescribable existential dread, written on his face, which      
              he’s characteristically open about                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
    
    
                                                                      4.       
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Feel great! What’s there to talk                       
                        about, the guy’s pure tequila, you                     
                        know: nothin’ but worms inside. Oh,                    
                        they threw me a party though, got                      
                        this bigass cake. Yeah. You know                       
                        these assholes they never remember                     
                        my birthday either so maybe they                       
                        were just makin’ up for lost time                      
                        also. Like: "who you gotta kill to                     
                        get a birthday cake around here,"                      
                        right?                                                 
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        What was his name Toucan or Toolkit                    
                        or somethin’?                                          
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Tuco.                                                  
                                                                               
              Hank looks pallid when he says his name.                         
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Yeah, guess he was the one. They’re                    
                        sayin’ he was some big meth guy                        
                        then?                                                  
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Shit! Could be the biggest in the                      
                        whole state, I mean who knows. --                      
                        And they actually got me a gift,                       
                        the degenerates.                                       
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Really? Didn’t know you could get a                    
                        gift just for shootin’ somebody.                       
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Yeah -- When you work with these                       
                        sickos that’s the way it goes, ya                      
                        know.                                                  
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        What’s that look like then?                            
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Pardon?                                                
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        What was it? The gift.                                 
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
    
    
                                                                      5.       
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Yeah, guy’s.. gri --                                   
                             (clears throat)                                   
                        the guy’s grill.                                       
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Mean like the front of his car?                        
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        No, not the front of his car ya                        
                        dope, his mouth, the whadya callit,                    
                        it’s like a dentist thing, they’re                     
                        like dentures but they’re not                          
                        dentures, the homies have ’em, in                      
                        rap videos, flashin’ ’em with their                    
                        diamonds and "hoes" I don’t know,                      
                        maybe they’re not big with the                         
                        geriatric mafia, Meyer Lansky Jews                     
                        in Miami, look, no offense Raylan,                     
                        is there some reason you called?                       
                        Never known you to be a _big_ talker.                    
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Just seemed like somethin’ people                      
                        do.                                                    
                                                                               
              BEAT                                                             
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                             (wounded)                                         
                        You checkin’ up on me?                                 
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Sort of, I guess... I don’t know.                      
                        Shit... - You’d rather I didn’t.                       
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Well... Yeah. Course I’d rather you                    
                        didn’t, you’re not my daddy.                           
                        Raylan, I can handle myself. I                         
                        mean, jesus...                                         
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Sorry. I know. - Though in fairness                    
                        I did teach you how to use your                        
                        service weapon.                                        
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Yeah, bullshit, alright. Art taught                    
                        me.                                                    
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
    
    
                                                                      6.       
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        As I recall, when you were there                       
                        Art was primarily...                                   
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Okay, you taught me everything I                       
                        know, whatever, hey look if there’s                    
                        nothin’ else I really gotta get to                     
                        work here, buddy. I got a load so                      
                        big it’s like a BM you can’t flush,                    
                        you know what I mean?                                  
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Yeah. This Tuco fella he uh... -                       
                        would you say he had it comin’?                        
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Yeah, course he had it comin’. He                      
                        drew on me, I put him down. It was                     
                        justified. Plain and simple.                           
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Yeah. What if he hadn’t?                               
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        I’d’ve arrested him? Whad’you mean?                    
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Well, I was readin’ his file.                          
                        Before I called. -- He seemed like                     
                        a typical cartel badman, just                          
                        awful, you know, torture and...                        
                        whatnot?                                               
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Yeah, I guess? Probably. He was a                      
                        meth kingpin, Raylan, I don’t                          
                        expect he was Mr. Rogers most of                       
                        the time. Can’t ask ’em now                            
                        anyways. Tsk.                                          
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        What if you saw him do one of them                     
                        things to somebody, right in front                     
                        of you, and you couldn’t do...                         
                        anything?                                              
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        What, like he blew a guy’s head                        
                        off, right in my face and when I                       
                        called the cavalry, the body just                      
                        vanished, like Jimmy Hoffa, no                         
                        forensics: nothin’?                                    
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
    
    
                                                                      7.       
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        Almost literally.                                      
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        I’d do my job... I mean, what’re we                    
                        talkin’ about here?                                    
                                                                               
                                  RAYLAN                                       
                        I don’t know, just somethin’ with                      
                        this thing I’m workin’ on. You know                    
                        what? Don’t worry about. I’ll talk                     
                        to Art, have ’em give ya a call in                     
                        the next couple days. Keep an eye                      
                        out for the Schraderbrew.                              
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                             (stressing correction)                            
                        **Schraderbau**. You take it easy                          
                        there, Crackshot.                                      
                                                                               
              Gomez wafts over as the call ends, leaning on the edge of        
              Hank’s desk.                                                     
                                                                               
                                  GOMEZ                                        
                        That your homie? Who is he? A white                    
                        boy?                                                   
                                                                               
              Hank begins shuffling through files in front of him.             
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Fuck you care? That your type? You                     
                        leavin’ me, Gomie?                                     
                                                                               
                                  GOMEZ                                        
                        I don’t know, sounded white on the                     
                        phone, but "Raylan" sounds like a                      
                        black dude’s name to me.                               
                                                                               
              Gomez takes a seat at his side of the table.                     
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Nah, some Kentucky good ol’ boy,                       
                        used to drink me under the table at                    
                        Glynco.                                                
                                                                               
                                  GOMEZ                                        
                        Under the table? We talkin’                            
                        alcohol, or somethin’ else?                            
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Mesquite. Why? Jealous or                              
                        somethin’?                                             
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
    
    
                                                                      8.       
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                  GOMEZ                                        
                        Fuck off, man. I just want to know                     
                        who is this drinking buddy that you                    
                        never introduced me to.                                
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Well, I never introduced you                           
                        because he’s not here. He lives                        
                        like ten thousand miles away, so                       
                        you won’t be leechin off his tab on                    
                        Titty/Taco Tuesdays at Juan Julio’s                    
                        anytime soon. I met him in firearms                    
                        training, supposedly taught me how                     
                        to shoot. -- Or he thinks he did                       
                        anyway.                                                
                                                                               
                                  GOMEZ                                        
                        Damn straight, ain’t nobody taught                     
                        you how to shoot.                                      
                                                                               
              Hank picks up Tuco’s grill from the desk                         
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Got a dead Mexy-meth-head says                         
                        different....                                          
                                                                               
              He looks at that transparent cube, and its haunting              
              suspended ’teeth’ hovering inside them like a cold, metal        
              spectre.                                                         
                                                                               
                                  HANK (cont’d)                                
                        No, I know his name’s weird, but                       
                        he’s white as a porcelain gnome’s                      
                        ass, I assure you.                                     
                                                                               
              He puts the cube down.                                           
                                                                               
                                  HANK                                         
                        Don’t worry, you’re still my only                      
                        homie, Gomie.                                          
                                                                               
              Hank winks. Steve just shakes his head in embarrassment on       
              his way back to his desk.                                        
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               


End file.
